I would be unstoppable if only I could get started
Yep, my life in a nutshell right now. Motivation is seriously lacking and I have only a month until I am supposed to run a half marathon. Its not just a lack of motivation to go run, it is a lack of motivation to work out in general. There is just no drive left in the system to keep my self in top physical form.
I find myself saddened by this realization but also somewhat untroubled. I no longer feel the need to work out like I did in college, which could actually be better for me as I am listening to my body in a different way now that back then. Instead of feeling the soreness and pain as just another challenge to overcome, I take it easy the next day, I might even take the day off.
Or the week off. That is the problem, the lack of drive.
Maybe now that I feel no need to run,bike, or play in the great outdoors I can start the process of reconnecting with my love of sport. I may be able to start distancing myself from the pain and torture that racing had become by the end of this past summer and re-find the spark that set off my love of running.
You see, not all success is happiness, not all victories are worth the win. Sometimes the power that you feel from being great comes in and messes with you. It reaches in with its twisted and distorted fingers and clasps onto the very core of your existence and starts to mold its own shadows onto your soul. These shadows manifest themselves outward until they lay bare on your presence. First as drive, then as ego, and finally as everything you exist for.
Winning becomes all. It consumes you and eats you alive. At the end, when you have lost site of the very first reason you started, the shadows withdraw their grip, leaving you beaten down and broken in more ways than one.
I paid the price in college in more ways than one. I paid with a left knee that no doctor can seem to figure out. I paid with a body that feels a lot older than I am. I paid with a few friends that will probably never speak to again because of my actions. The grasp of power reached in, took what it wanted and left me out for dead.
But with every evil there is a hope, a seed of that first spark left behind. And with the
right care and nurture, this seed can begin to grow again.
There is one catch here, I don’t know how to grow the seed.
There were no instructions left behind. No dirt to plant it in and certainly no way to water it. There is no guide book on the path to recovery. It is a journey with many paths that one must try to follow to see if the seed will grow and ignite into the flame that originally drove the desire.
There are many, many false start and dead ends. Every single path is overgrown and sometimes not visible upon first inspection. But you have to keep trying, kept trying to clear a path big enough to let the sunlight shine upon that seed in your soul. Big enough that the shadows can’t reach back in and take hold once more. You just have to keep trying until you find the right path to be one. Whether it is an old friend you have traveled down before or a new trail full of promise, you just have to keep trying.
And that is what I plan on doing.